I'm Too Sexy
by Schierach
Summary: Just your average morning with Gilderoy Lockhart! Songfic. Complete.


**Author's Notes:** I have no words for this except for "I'm sorry." Please, nobody kick my ass. ^_^ I was bored one day, and my friend Rhyein rattled off several ways for me to amuse myself, one of them being "Write a Lockhart songfic to 'I'm Too Sexy'!" I agreed. She then made it an official challenge at CBB, our home message board. However, I forgot about it, and she, of course, reminded me. So I JUST finished this, having pumped out the whole thing in about forty minutes while listening to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" on repeat. Right. So I'm done, here. Again. Don't kick my ass. ^_^;; Have a nice day!   
  
  


**I'm Too Sexy**

  
  
  
It was six o'clock in the morning. Time to start another day! Gilderoy Lockhart sat up as the alarm clock went off, hitting the button on the back as if on auto-pilot. Yawning, he pulled the bright pink satin, lace-edged sleep mask off of his face and carefully set it down on the nightstand, ruffling his wavy blonde hair with his other hand. Blue eyes sparkling, he tossed the purple comforter off of himself and swung his legs over the side of the bed, stepping into his slippers. He then proceeded to get up and approach the full-length mirror at the other end of the room, preparing to begin his morning ritual. He beamed at himself, his perfectly polished smile so bright it almost cracked the glass. He wiggled his toes slightly. His perky-eared bunny slippers went just beautifully with his turquoise silk pajamas, in his opinion, and even at six o'clock, he was just simply _beautiful_.

_I'm too sexy for my love  
Too sexy for my love  
Love's going to leave me_

Come to think of it, Gilderoy didn't have a "love." Plenty of admirers, of course, but no "love." Why was that? Didn't everyone love Gilderoy Lockhart? Of course they did. How could they not? He was practically perfect in every way. He had Mary Poppins' ass beat, there. So why no steady love interest? He shrugged and struck a pose, examining himself in the mirror, pouting. He didn't need love. He had himself, and that was all anybody in the world needed. That's right. Gilderoy Lockhart.

_I'm too sexy for my shirt  
Too sexy for my shirt  
So sexy it hurts_

On to the next part of the routine. Bending his fingers to look like rigid claws, he growled at himself in the mirror and pulled his silk pajama top open with some difficulty, busting a few of the buttons off. Unable to produce the desired results, he quickly and discreetly unbuttoned the rest of the buttons and discarded the article of clothing, letting it pool into a fluid pile of fabric on the floor. He then proceeded to flex for himself in the mirror. Simply _beautiful_.

_I'm too sexy for Milan  
Too sexy for Milan  
New York and Japan  
And I'm too sexy for your party  
Too sexy for your party  
No way I'm disco dancing_

Truth be told, he'd never been to Milan, New York, _or_ Japan, and Rita Skeeter could verify that he'd been caught disco dancing on several occasions. However, for the sake of the routine, he was too sexy for all these things, and so, he continued to flex for himself in the mirror, swiveling his hips a bit. Who didn't want a piece of Gilderoy Lockhart? He was fully aware of the fact that he could turn straight men gay. He'd seen the way Professor Snape looked at him during meals. The tense stance, the thin-lipped, feral snarl, the carnal look in his eyes… what were all those students talking about? The popular theory that Snape wanted to murder Lockhart was all pish-posh. It was painfully obvious that Severus had fallen for Gilderoy and was simply _pining_ away. And who wouldn't? After all, he was simply _beautiful_.

_I'm a model, you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
Yeah, on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk, yeah  
I do my little turn on the catwalk_

At least that part was true. Turning and looking at himself in the mirror over his shoulder, he strutted towards his bed and then pivoted, swiveling his hips again as he turned and headed back towards the mirror. It wasn't the most graceful little turn, but it would have to do. Besides, he made up for it in smiles!

_I'm too sexy for my car  
Too sexy for my car  
Too sexy by far  
And I'm too sexy for my hat  
Too sexy for my hat  
What d'you think about that?_

Who needed a car when you could apparate? Snatching a black bowler hat from the top of his dresser, he tipped it down over his eyes and began to Fosse walk, clad in nothing but his turquoise pajama bottoms, bunny slippers, and the bowler. No, he was decidedly too sexy for the bowler hat, so he tossed it aside and folded his arms across his bare, hairless chest. For lack of anything better to do at that moment, he flashed himself another gleaming smile. Simply _beautiful_.

_I'm a model, you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
Yeah, on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk, yeah  
I shake my little tush on the catwalk_

Again with the strutting. This time he stumbled and tripped over his own feet, landing face-down on the carpet. With a sigh and another gleaming smile, he picked himself up and examined the right side of his abdomen. Yes, yes, that was going to leave a mark. But what did a little bit of rug-burn matter? He was simply too sexy for rug-burn.

_I'm too sexy for my  
Too sexy for my  
Too sexy for my  
'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the catwalk  
Yeah, on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk, yeah  
I shake my little tush on the catwalk_

Hmm. No. He decided against practicing his runway walk again. No need to put his life in danger twice in one morning! There would be time for more practice later, after he taught the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins how to defend themselves against Cornish pixies. For now, it was better that he move on with things. He ran his hand through his hair, separating the short blonde waves and shaking them loose. Simply _beautiful_.

_I'm too sexy for my cat  
Too sexy for my cat  
Poor pussy, poor pussycat  
And I'm too sexy for my love  
Too sexy for my love  
Love's going to leave me_

"Mraow." 

Gilderoy tore his gaze from his own reflection and looked down at the purring bundle of fur and whiskers at his feet. He frowned slightly, forgetting that it would cause wrinkles in the long run. "Daddy's busy, Gilderoy II!" he said brightly, smiling again. "I'll feed you in a few minutes. Run along now!" Disappointed, the calico cat let out a little kitty sigh before leaving and sitting himself down next to his dish, resigned to wait until Lockhart was done admiring himself before he could eat. Really, things would be so much easier if he _did_ have a love. A girlfriend would be able to feet Gilderoy II while he went through his routine in the morning, and then everyone would be happy. Wouldn't they? Of course they would.

"Well, really, that should do it," Gilderoy mused, and, so said, disappeared into his closet for a moment. He reappeared moments later, clad in bright, magenta robes, a matching star-spangled hat perched on his head. "What do you think, Little Gildy?" he asked the cat, smiling his dazzling, pearly-white smile. "Shall I take Severus a few signed photos of myself? It's true, I don't swing his way, but I hate to leave him unfulfilled."

"Mraow." 

"You're right. Five ought to do it!" Grabbing the pre-signed photos off the stack on top of his dresser, Gilderoy started for the door, completely forgetting to feed Gilderoy II before he left for breakfast. The cat sighed and nudged at his bowl with his nose. Perhaps some nice house-elf would come and take care of him while Daddy was away.

_And I'm too sexy for this song, song, song…_

And that he was. Simply _beautiful_.


End file.
